Since my first two patients did not show up today, let’s talk about no-shows.
So, why do patients no-show? Of course, we all understand that people do, on occasion, just plain forget or the car broke down or the kid got sick or the moon was crescent or the Martians abducted the cat or the fork ran away with the spoon or the wife ran away with the mailman or there were huge unexpected expenses at the honky-tonk or the horoscope showed Capricorn rising or Elvis was sighted or papa was a rolling stone or Katie Couric had The Donald on or girls just wanna have fun and so on and so on. These are all legitimate excuses that any doctor would understand completely and we can all agree that each of these is way more important than actually seeing.
However, not everyone has such powerful reasons to no-show. Some weaker excuses:
- “Why should I show up if the services are provided free from the government? Doesn’t that mean the doctor doesn’t get paid and, because we like the doctor, why not kindly leave that slot open so he or she can have a paying customer? You’re welcome, doctor.”
- “I have five pairs of monthly disposables that I ordered in 2009.”
- “My left eye went blind yesterday so I will wait until it gets better, and then call.”
- “There is a recession and I just got back from two weeks at Disney.”
- “I’ll just have my husband ask about this green thingy on my eye when he has his appointment next month.”
- “I can’t come in. I have pink eye.”
- “I saw on TV that I can get three pairs of invisible bifocals for 13 cents.”
- “I still have that sample contact lens you gave me last year.”
- “Obama won and it’s just horrible.”
- “Obama won and it’s just wonderful.”
- “Who’s Obama? I better Google that.”
- “It’s beautiful and sunny outside and I got the kid out of school for her examination and we can spend quality time texting our respective friends. Maybe you can write an excuse, doctor?”
- “I probably should see a guacamole specialist this year.”
- “I’ll just call and reschedule again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…”
Saying Yes to No-Shows
Of course, there are advantages to having no-shows. It gave me time to write this potentially award-winning column so you can read it when you have a couple of no-shows. And, you can strategize for your practice so it will be easier to explain why you went broke when no one showed up.
There are, of course, a couple of ways to prevent no-shows. For example, you go to their house and force them into your car at gunpoint about 30 minutes before the appointment. That is very effective.
Or no longer make appointments. That can bring the no-show numbers way down.
Or move to Washington State where marijuana was just legalized. Your glaucoma practice will boom.
Or, instead of the patient coming to your office for the exam, you just show up at his or her house with your equipment—unless of course The Donald is on Katie. In that case, just no-show.
