Theres a huge controversy here in West Virginia. It has to do with marketing the state. When you drove into my beautiful state to see the glorious Fall Foliage, you used to see a sign that said, Welcome to Wild, Wonderful West Virginia. Our governor wanted to improve the states business climate, so rather than change the crappy tax structure, he decided it would be better to change the state motto (and the signs) to Open For Business.

Hmm.

What about your office? Is it Wild and Wonderful or is it Open For Business? Or maybe you have another motto. I think about this when I check out the new phone books. Most optometric offices advertise:

Eye examinations.

Diseases of the eye.

Contact lenses.

Onsite lab.

Large frame selection.

Most insurance plans accepted.

Boring and boring and boring.

To improve our own business climate, we need to change our offices credos. We should either change what we list in the ads or run one giant foldout ad with all our names at the top and a headline that says, Throw us all in a hat and pick one out. Theres no freakin difference!

So, my crack team has secretly visited literally thousands of optometry offices to see what makes one office different from the next. Some of these mottos I have actually seen around the country in the past 30 years.

Weve also come up with some new ideas to list in the next phone book. (When you see the list, I think youll know we visited YOU.) Check these out:

Our receptionist never smiles.

Contact lens, schmontact lens!

Wanna see good? Join the club.

We give eye diseases.

Choose your glasses without our input.

Our doctor loves children.

Lazy eye specialist.

If you have to ask how much, you should not come here.

Over 14 frames in stock!

Let us provide your last eye exam.

Our glasses are bling.

We fit contact lenses. May God protect you.

Insurance? Mo (sic) problem.

Cataracts/Glaucoma/Dry eye need not apply.

If you can read this, quit griping.

We guarantee our fees.

Free pizza!

When was our last eye exam?

Throw your old glasses away and then call us.

Blindness is out of style.

Have you had your cataract today?

We are EYE-some!

Oh, say can you see?

Lay this ad on the floor so you can see and call our number!

Time to get your eyes hecked (sic).

Serving our 1 billionth cone and rod.

Our doctors have a combination of 30 ears (sic) experience.

Got tears?

See without pain.

Lashes are our specialty.

Your insurance excepted (sic).

Live the dream. Wear glasses.

I am almost sure that your own phone book advertisements could use some sprucing up, dont you agree? Sure, you could use any or all of the wonderful phrases shown above. You could also just use the tried-and-true listings that 99% of the advertising doctors have used since the beginning of time.

Or, you could do what I did: Cancel your phone book ad and buy a new car or two with what you save each month. Your call, doctor.