What is the most dreaded word in optometry? In your office, it might be melanoma, degeneration, ulcer, or perhaps even receptionist.

In my office, the most dreaded word is refund.

Refund. It sounds a little like something your proctologist might say after your colonoscopy. Sit down. I have some bad news. We have detected a small refund in your sigmoid colon. Of course, we all know that there is no such word as refund in allopathic medicine. Just ask any M.D. The look on his face will tell you that he has never heard of such a thing.

Now, its not like Im always handing out refunds. I can count on one cold, dead hand the number of refunds pried out of me through the years. But it hasnt been the dissatisfied patients who demanded these very rare refunds. They were ordered by the nearly suicidal doctor, moi.

Here is one lesson you young doctors must learn as early as possible: There are some patients youd just rather have your colleagues across town take care of. Sometimes, I tell these patients to hit the trail before I perform spontaneous human combustion and splatter the small refund in my sigmoid colon all over my freshly painted office. But, once every Halleys Comet, I do offer a swallow, choke refund.

Eye Exam Goes to the Dogs
I will never give a refund for an examination. Never! Never! Never!

OK, maybe once. I had a lovely lady who came to see me many years ago. As soon as she entered the office with her two dogs (all three beings wearing hats), we all knew something was very strange. The receptionist made the command decision to request the exam fee BEFORE the examination.

This lady required that her dogs have their eyes checked during her examination. She spoke about her birds and their eyes. She said she never knew why her husband left her. He just up and disappeared. Wonder why? If there ever was a patient who needed an ophthalmologist, this was the one. I referred her for appropriate eye care, handed back her money, and told her we hated dogs. She vowed to never return. What a shame. She and the dogs have probably had LASIK by now.

I had one fellow who always needed a special order. He spent a fair amount of money with me and had a kind of charisma about him that led us to bend over backwards, frontwards, and every otherwards every time he came in. We never had the right size frame in the right color. Or, the frame would be just right, but could he get that frame in rimless? One day, after remaking his glasses as usual, he called me at home. He wanted his money back. He had been offended by some comment one of my staff members made to him. He didnt know it, but the offending staffer was my dear wife, Renee! I sent the refund (gulp!) with a nice copy of my familys photo so he could feel like an idiot for calling my wife every name in the book. This ticked him off, and he declared that he and his family would never return. Praise the Lord. He never has. But the rest of the family comes every year and loves us to death.

Refund. I hate that word. Refund. To give back. Well, I do that every day. Refund also means to re-fund, to fund again, replenish funds. Hmm. Thats not so bad. Maybe that words OK after all.

From now on, I will instead hate the word colonoscopy. Especially this month. Im kinda worried theyll find one of those refunds in my sigmoid colon.