There is a mighty struggle going on in this country. It is a battle between good and evil. It stinks. Yes, I am referring to the war between people who pick up their dog’s poop and those who do not.

This brings to mind the struggle with other equally annoying events in our offices. Pick your favorite response to these patients’ comments:

1. “I just want a copy of my prescription” and, of course, its devilish addendum, “Oh, and can you give me my PD?” (as they ponder inside, “What’s a PD anyway?”)

a. You mean you are buying glasses from a place that doesn’t know how to take a PD?

b. No problem, of course, and don’t forget to come back for your exams once every 10 years.

c. Unfortunately, our office policy is that we only see one family member each year. Maybe Susan can come next year.

2. “I can’t see out of my new glasses” (which they got online).

a. Well, here’s your old prescription that you could see 20/50 out of and your new ones that you can see 20/20 out of. Which do you like?

b. Oh, as we explained at your exam (see your initials here?) we offer free rechecks for patients who purchase from us but it’s $80 cash for the doctor to recheck prescriptions purchased elsewhere. There’s an ATM across the street.

c. You’re the one who chose “number one” instead of “number two,” not me.

3. “Can you give me a couple of contact lens trials for my vacation this week?” 

a. You mean like we did the last time you were here for your examination in 1999?

b. Ummm, no.

c. Well, we never, ever have completed an exam and finalized a contact lens prescription for you, but what the heck, here’s an old pair of mine that might hold you over.

4. “My teenage daughter wears glasses, so she has to see an ophthalmologist.”

a. Who’s the ophthalmologist? I never met one who actually sees a glasses patient.

b. I will pray about her eye disease.

c. Let me get this straight. You think the tech who determines the prescription is an ophthalmologist?

5. “We have to change doctors because your office is 15 minutes away.”

a. How often do you take your kids to the mall every year? You do realize the mall is 30 minutes away, right?

b. Our time is certainly very important. Do you use Facebook?

c. How’s your dentist in Houston?

6. “Do you offer a senior citizen discount?”

a. According to the Equality Act of 2010, age discrimination is illegal.

b. Yes, but we call it “Medicare.”

c. No, but some burger places might.

7. “Do I have to wear my glasses?”

a. Only when you want to see something.

b. Only when you are wearing shoes.

c. Only if you have a grain of sense.

8. “My insurance only pays once every two years.”

a. That’s awesome! You get 50% off every single year!

b. That’s because eyes only change once every 729 days.

c. That’s because they truly, truly care about you.

9. “Can I have Lasix (sic)?”

a. I guess, but you may pee a lot.

b. It’s cheaper than bumetanide.

c. Why not just drink cranberry juice?

10. “I hate that puffer.”

a. You’d be OK with me poking you in the eye, though?

b. Join the club.

c. We still feel strongly that it’s the best way to make you holler out loud.

There are many more in our world, but no matter how these battles unfold, we will survive. Except, of course, those creatures who do not pick up their dog’s poop. They will ultimately suffer. I will personally see to it.

Dr. Vickers received his optometry degree from the Pennsylvania College of Optometry in 1979 and was clinical director at Vision Associates in St. Albans, WV, for 36 years. He is now in private practice in Dallas, where he continues to practice full-scope optometry. He has no financial interests to disclose.