I enjoyed anatomy class in college. One of my fondest memories is digging into a monkey’s belly while a lit cigarette dangled from its mouth. You know, this was probably dangerous.

I also thought that hiding a cat’s head in the freshmen’s spaghetti at the frat house wasn’t a big deal. The pledges were a little upset though.

So, we studied—and still study—anatomy. At least I never stopped. I couldn’t. I had smart kids who are doctors and such. They keep me honest when it comes to all the little idiosyncrasies of the anatomy of the orbit and so forth. Why, oh why, couldn’t they have been podiatrists? I could come up with a dozen good reasons not to remember the bones of the foot.

On the other hand, the eye leads the body, and there are relationships between a patient’s eyes and other parts that are more mysterious than the bottom of the ocean. Here are some anatomic examples that you have probably forgotten, unless you are a really, really recent grad:

• Corpus Negatorium: This is the part of the brain that causes people to think you are ripping them off when you tell them you have to repeat those visual fields again.

• Adrenal Giantistic Glans: That part of the adrenal gland that makes a patient who has not had an exam for three years have the unmitigated gall to call you for a copy of their contact lens prescription.

• Ocularis Gingiva: That tissue that makes those rare patients who need direct ophthalmoscopy always be the ones who haven’t brushed or flossed for two months.

• Mastoadiposa: This anatomic variant reminds us that slit lamps were designed by skinny little boys.

• Ouchotor: That part of the ear that stays sore no matter what kind of glasses they wear.

• Conjunctjunk: The new body part that grows out of the eyeliner caked on the lid margin since age 12.

• Suddenlitribrachius: The third arm that a 7-year-old quickly develops in order to ward off cycloplegic eyedrops.

• Pseudoissue: The troublesome part of the eye that is medically nonexistent except to the patient who changes eye doctors until one pretends he “sees” it.

• Fossa Creepa: Only found in those patients who only come in to hit on your receptionist.

• Lamina Excess Traffica: The collection of excuses that some patients have attached to their souls that makes them late for every appointment.

• Disabili: Found in lawyers and requires you to gather all your patient’s records for the past 20 years so they can claim a disability for something that is totally and unequivocally unrelated to their eyes.

• Nasus Difficultum: That knob that you just want to reach out and grab every time a patient asks you if “it’s covered under my insurance.”

• Retirementa: Don’t sweat this thing … you’ll never find one.

• Lingual Phoneta: A small, unimportant synapse that forces patients to leap from the chair when their cell phone rings. I once told a cardiologist that the next time a patient flatlines, he should just call their cell phone. He apparently did not know his anatomy, or he would have already tried it.

• Buttuschappus: The part of me that glows red when I come in Monday to find an Rx verification fax from some online contact lens company that arrived Thursday night at 6 p.m. (We are closed Friday through the weekend.) Funny, this anatomic part used to react only on Thursday mornings, but that was when we were closed Wednesdays so the company only sent faxes on Tuesday nights. They know my schedule better than I do.

In summary: Do not stick a lit cigarette into a cadaver’s mouth.