The horrid tornados in the Midwest and the South made me think of the old bumper sticker “KWITCHYERBELLYAKIN’.” (Northerners, please call your Southern O.D. buddies for a translation.)
While other people’s lives are literally falling apart, it’s amazing how we can totally overreact to our own inconsequential problems. The tiniest wrinkle in my little status quo and I can go from the seemingly oh-so-capable Dr. Vickers to “You can call me Dr. Little, first name Chicken, and certainly the sky is falling! Why even ask?”
This trait is not helpful. It leads you to lead poorly. When a staff member informs you, as he or she should, that Mrs. Wassup just bounced a check, your angry and completely negative response is perceived as just a gnat’s wing away from the more businesslike “Again?” to “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEE!”
We are taught to overreact in optometry school. In school, you would present a case to the clinical staff that your patient was 20/20-2 in his left eye, and the doctor in charge would ask you if you had ruled out a life-sucking brain hemorrhage or perhaps neuron-slurping vampirish bacteria in your differential diagnosis. I’d stupidly wonder aloud if perhaps the letter missed could just possibly be because the patient had 0.50D of astigmatism in that eye… Or maybe we should refer to the neurosurgeon for a spinal tap, or just cut to the chase and call an undertaker.
No wonder we’re all complaining all the time. It’s so much easier just to rail and gripe, overreacting and spouting negativity to any stupid grinning ninny… “Can I wear contact lenses, Dr. Vickers?”
“Sure, if you want to die from anaphylaxis because you happen to be the one person in the universe who has some genetic defect that makes contact lenses kill you. It could happen! You could be the first! At least if you wear glasses you will never die of contact lensitis! Of course, the glasses will probably get embedded in your brain. Now, please sign this release.”
Do you dilate patients? Yes. Do you require them to spend the night in your office so they won’t run over somebody’s cat on the way home? No. No? Why not? Do you not understand that (a) the drops make them blurry, (b) cats are everywhere, and (c)? Well, sir or ma’am, there is no (c). Come on doctor! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEE!
Do you discuss refractive surgery? Do you tell the patient that lasers were developed by research from outer space, which means that aliens were probably involved? Do you remind them that their favorite laser-shooting doctor was probably out of his residency years before LASIK was developed and therefore he learned how to do LASIK by reading “LASIK For (and To) Dummies” one weekend? Hey, if he’s that one patient out of a million who has problems, try explaining YOUR negligence in court! You’d better tell that patient EVERY SCENARIO because the sky might theoretically be falling!!!
Do you wear cologne? Bad move. Cologne might have peanuts in it. Peanut allergies kill children, right? So are you a homicidal maniac? Then you should have gone into dentistry.
Doctors, you have to calm down. Find your happy place. Chill. You’re not going to be sued into oblivion because you didn’t discuss the risk of cheap reading glasses when a patient is running a circular saw. Neurosurgeons wear them all the time! Just KWITCHYERBELLYAKIN’.
