I hear there’s now a smartphone app that can perfectly refract a patient in the comfort of his or her own car in between texts. This is awesome, as I have been refracting old-school for 34+ years and have never reached perfection.

One advantage is that the phone won’t have to put up with patients saying they like “number one” when they really like “number two.”

In those inevitable cases when a patient has trouble adapting to their glasses Rx, and they inevitably ask, “Why did this happen?” I inevitably smile my most benevolent smile and inevitably say, “Because you said you liked number one when you really liked number two!”

They think I’m joking.

But, now, through the wonderful power of our phones, this conversation will never take place! And who will they complain to when they can’t see through their “phony” glasses? Us. I cannot wait to see the look on their faces when I explain that I charge $413.34 to recheck a phone-induced Rx. Should be a hoot. Perhaps I’ll film it on MY phone for YouTube.

Amazing, life-changing technologies are all around us these days. Just look at Google. Do you realize that Ryan Seacrest is the same exact height as I am? That’s right! 6’4”! (If you dig deep enough, there must be at least one website that will say he’s not 5’8”.) The bad news is my right leg outweighs him. These smartphones are awesome!

The power in this little device is just amazing. For example:
• I recently used my phone to photograph a lady’s anterior segment. (I’ll just leave the joke on the table there.)
• I recently used my phone to trace a rectangle for my grandkids.
• I recently used my phone to keep my napkin from blowing away at a picnic.

And to think this $500 paperweight can replace my need to refract? I have died and gone to heaven! Now the world won’t come to an end because opticians won’t have any reason to politick to refract. Heck, any idiot with an app can refract now, right? And, lazy ophthalmologists will finally stop using Donders’ Table to decide what seg power a patient needs! The phone will decide! Sweet! Power to the people!

But now that we’ve learned how the government uses our phones to track and control us, what really happens when you stick your eye up there to get your new glasses prescription? Could they really be shooting rays into our brains that make us dumb enough to keep voting for them? How else could you explain it? Must be the phones.

As technology moves forward, I can envision a time when we won’t really need to see at all. We’ll just dangle two smartphones in front of our eyes from a designer frame. Your car will drive itself so you’ll be free to watch “Game of Thrones” on one side and “Jeopardy!” on the other.

Daily Double? “What are naked dragons?”

How long will it take until you can get the newest DangleGlasses for nothing at the mall? Every street corner will be full of begging bums, formerly known as eye doctors, who scramble for a buck now that their services are no longer needed, thank you very much.

That may sound crazy but once the smartphones put all the eye problems behind us, what else is behind us?
“iColonoscopy”? I can’t wait!