This column is about things that are highly unlikely to occur.

It all started when my wife and I bit the bullet and planned our first of many dream trips, a CE river cruise in France—just in time for the good ol’ USA to send out a travel terrorist warning for, that’s right, France. I am in the process of relearning a little French and now I have to add to my list—just under “Where is the bathroom?”—the phrase,

“Is that a weapon of mass destruction?”

This is so unlikely. I mean, what are the chances any self-respecting terrorist would want to blow up a river cruise ship full of optometrists? Very unlikely, as no one would notice. Being terrorized at a CE conference typically includes some combination of bathroom breaks and overzealous room monitors, not bombs and guns.

There are many events and happenings in optometry that are extremely unlikely, as you well know...

• A meteor has never, ever struck a retinoscope, although mine has been acting up ever since the 1998 Leonids.
• The Internet has never worked when an optometrist wanted to use it to show something to a patient.
• No contact lens patient has ever used “no rub” solutions according to the “no rub” instructions.
• Not one smoker who is diagnosed with macular degeneration has ever quit smoking.
• No optometric staff member has ever NOT checked their text messages less than 132 times per hour.
• No optometrist’s family members have ever offered to pay for services.
• No crazy and disturbed patient has ever missed an appointment.
• There has never been a Monday in the history of optometry where 100% of the appointed patients actually showed up.
• No package delivery service has ever arrived at an optometrist’s office unless the office is closed for lunch.
• No O.D. has ever returned from vacation to find that all of his office technology is working fine the first day back in the office.
• No nosepad has ever survived a patient’s vacation.
• No patient has ever, ever, ever caused the scratches all over his or her glasses.
• No bifocal contact lens patient has ever experienced visual nirvana.
• No patient has ever loved his eye doctor more than he loves his insurance.
• When you prescribe artificial tears three times per day, it is very unlikely the one sample bottle you dispense will ever go empty.
• It is very unlikely that the surface of any eye doctor’s desk will ever be clear until the kids donate it to charity after you’re long gone.
• No patient who calls you at home on Sunday evening with an emergency will NOT start the conversation with these two words: “On Wednesday…”
• No matter how floppy, no patient will ever mention his or her floppy eyelids until you bring it up.

• No one has ever looked at an optometrist’s Yellow Pages ad, except the advertising optometrist.

The point is that no matter what is in store for you, the advantage to being an optometrist is that nearly all the crazy stuff is very unlikely. In its wisdom, my government has told me it is OK to go to France but that I should be on alert. Not knowing what that means, I have taken the only step I could think of. I have learned to say, “Est-ce une bombe ou vous etes simplement heureux de me voit?”*

Why would terrorists waste perfectly good munitions? The dry eye lecture will probably kill us anyway.

* “Is that a bomb or are you just happy to see me?”