I have a wonderful patient who happens to be a psychic. There is something thrilling about her intuition and abilities that I cannot easily dismiss. 

Now, I believe that knowing yourself through astrology can have an impact upon your optometric career. (Cue wolf howl for effect.)

So, whats your sign, doctor?

Aries. You make it happen. Youre a doer. Why wait? Youll buy a new automated refractive system and your staff will want to barf.

Taurus. You love your possessions. You will never have all you want, but you will drive a car that makes all the other doctors think you won the lottery. Thank God for leasing.

Gemini. Communication is your greatest ability. You love to text message your kids at college. They are sick of it. And, if you call me one more time in the middle of a busy day at the office, it better be to make an appointment, or Ill get a restraining order.

Cancer. You dont just live, you experience every day to its fullest. You train the staff to listen only to you and that they should run anything I say by you because my ideas are wild and woolly. You are married to me. You should have read the fine print.

Leo. You are all-knowing, handsome, generous, creative and confident. You love to tell everyone why they should be more like you. You write Chairside in Review of Optometry! Your greatest nemesis was born under the sign of Cancer (see previous entry).

Virgo. You care deeply about every part of your life. You think details really do matter. You take an hour to do a refraction on a 12-year-old whose Rx was -1.00D last year. Lets see, I never met the kid, and I say the Rx is now -1.50D. Arent my psychic powers amazing?

Libra. You love other people and the interaction you have with them. Forget sending a thank-you card. You stop by their house after work to see how theyre doing with their new contacts, you stalker!

Scorpio. You get right down to business, you sexy thing, you! You dont waste time on small talk. If you need my advice, just whistle. You do know how to whistle, dont you, Scorpio?

Sagittarius. You know that there is more to life than work. You stare out the window at the beauty of the sky while your staff runs around like chickens with their heads cut off. Quit reading this crappy article! You have a patient in Room 2!

Capricorn. Youre a go-getter. You have staff meetings every morning and you send them instructional e-mails every night. Youre on every committee and are a past president of your state association. Wonder why the other doctors run screaming down the hall when they see you coming?

Aquarius. You love the give and take of running your practice. You have an office motto and office agenda, spelled out in writing, for the next twenty years. You have a clear sense of whats right. But that doesnt mean you dont have any fun. In fact, you have fun scheduled for a week from Tuesday from 3:00 to 4:47 p.m. What a wild man!

Pisces. Looking good, doctor! Handsome/beautiful. Well coiffed. Not in a hurry. No grudges held. You will wait your turn. Put down that mirror and listen, doctor!

I hope this primer in astrology has piqued your interest in this amazing, scientifically-proven discipline (well, at least as proven as LASIK). Now, look up at the sky tonight and let the stars help you make all those major decisions. (Cue wolf howl again.)